Five Finger Death Punch- the next biggest band in metal... whether I like it or not

Well, a week on, and the album polls are still irritating me with their wrongness and the bleaters claiming "that's not metal". Metal Hammer have polled Five Finger Death Punch's sophomore effort War Is The Answer at number 16 for 2009. The band are even on the cover this month. Those two of you who read my previous blog will notice this particular LP missed out on my top 20. Why would I leave out a record like this when I'm clearly a fan of straight up, no nonsense heavy metal?

I think part of my problem is who I hear when I listen to them. I hear the groove of DevilDriver (good start), the rhythmic sense of Spineshank (and for all those scoffing, I still like The Height Of Callousness), the aggression of Phil Anselmo (awesome) and- and this is where they spoon it completely- the commercial simplicity and vocal content of a beefed-up Nickelback. For want of a more eloquent expression, fail. Total, complete and so-epic-Dream-Theater-seem-like-Napalm-Death fail. I unapologetically hate Nickelback, and it this is, in part, why 5FDP get my hackles up.

This is a band who SOUND, to my ears at least, completely commercial. Their riffs are so simplistic it's agonising. I'm not asking for every riff to sound like Gojira- I put Municipal Waste in my top 20, remember- but 5FDP seem to think of a simple, accessible riff, strip anything out of it that might require effort to listen to and then make that into a song. Not because, as the peerless Dimebag proved, simple riffs are frequently the best, but because it's more likely to sell records. I have no problem with bands being commercial or commercially successful. I'm a huge Metallica fan, after all, and proud of it. But I don't want to FEEL like I'm listening to an album which is more interested in sales than in pride in what the artists have achieved.

And it's here that I realise what my biggest problem is- I have simply grown a mite too old and cynical for 5FDP. Had War Is The Answer been released as little as two years ago, I would probably be raving about it as much as everyone else seems to. In particular, if I'd heard it when my Disturbed love was at its height- when they were touring Ten Thousand Fists- I'm sure I would now be in full praise of Zoltan, Ivan and the others. But in the recent years, I've simply heard too many bands who seem more genuine about what they do- bands who, when they sound derivative, make me feel that they do it out of love for their predecessors, not because they want to sell records. That, and my musical taste has simply got heavier than 5FDP go.

There is, however, one genuine problem with Five Mingers Butt Munch (as I call them when they annoy me more than curry powder in my underwear) that I stand by, that I will not admit is merely down to me being a cynical, miserable old sod. All the lyrics seem to be about relationships. Ivan Moody, I remember saying in an interview with Hammer, does this because he feels that everyone can understand this. What? You're releasing music that is mainly aimed at teenage boys (and blokes like me whose passport says are in their twenties but in many ways are far less mature) and you think that the lyrics that are going to mean most to those lads are about the relationships of a man in his thirties? Bollocks! It's because sex sells, and you know it. It's because anything about drugs, violence, politics or religion are immediately going to remove certain radio stations as potential publicity sources, and you now this too. Those subjects will also alienate certain sections of your potential fan base, and you know that as well. The subject of personal struggles has been done to death and has almost become a tabboo subject in the rock world. And don't try telling me that your favourite bands all sang about relationships, because very few metal bands have. You did it for the money. And that realisation irritates me hugely- I don't mind if you want to make money, but I don't wan't to be able to hear the dollar signs.

Having said all that, I have absolutely no doubt 5MBM will be utterly enormous. Perhaps not Slipknot size, but Disturbed big certainly. They can thrill live (even I admit that) which will snag a big audience. They will get radio airplay (outside the UK, obviously) which will get more. They will be wanted by big bands to tour with them- at least for now- which will make them bigger still. And most importantly, they do write catchy, infectious, heavy and genuinely good songs- even if I despise them. So they have everything it should take to become huge. And the media going ape for them might help too.

Once again, like when I saw Slipknot become huge when I was a teenager, I will miss out on it all. I'll be sitting in the corner listening to the new Keep Of Kalessin, Kamelot and Rhapsody Of Fire albums. Unlike ten years ago, however, I won't be scratching my head and wondering what's going on. I didn't get Slipknot- and still don't- but I bore them no malice. Now, I'll be grinding my teeth and moaning into my bitter, because I know PRECISELY why they're taking off.

I await the torrent of abuse for how wrong I am.

Now kindly go and pre-order Fear Factory's Mechanize. Because I'm so excited about that, I'm onto my third packet of Tena Lady today. And it's not metal.